The Moody Me!!

Not everyone knows me well enough to judge me. I am good to people that in no way means that I am always as good as I seem to be. People close to me have seen my temper to its peak and also the other part of me. 'Mood Swings' are an integral part of me and I can never run away from this bitter truth that it has made my impression go worse on peoples I really care for.

"I don't usually lose my temper but if I do then it's true, I am scary"

I was not always the same of what I have become now. From my pre-school to my 10th I used to be quiet, calm and composed. Others bullied me for no reason still I never answered back as it would only lead to a series of throwing ugly words to others and finally a fight. So it was better to just listen to the big boy's of the class and ignore it. But then I realized that people take you for granted if you don't react to their superlative brains. So I decided to change and then situations made me worse by worse as time passed. 

Now making me angry is the best thing one can do and that to without effort. Now I get angry to little things. People don't understand that I don't like few things to happen with me still some or the other way do it and BOOM. Some nerves in my brain blow, the adrenaline in my body pumps up and my anger comes alive. When I don't want to show it I stay quiet, I burn inside me so that the second person in front of me doesn't get hurt. Literally speaking I feel like I am turning into a HULK. 

The worst part is that after a session of bad mood realize what I have done. The damage done sometimes is unmeasurable. The other side of me sees no love, no feelings, no relations when it gets over me. Sometimes my efforts fail to repair the damage done. I regret it but it becomes useless sometimes. 

So to all those who know me, I am not bad except for the "Moody Me" inside me. It takes time to get over habits and the duration is not yet known by me. 

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"

My "Inspirational" Story!!!

"You and me share a wonderful relation;
For me you are god's best creation;
War and peace, everyday we face it;
Thank you for bearing my endless frustration;
So close to my heart in such small duration:
You contain all the things to become my temptation;
No matter how much angry I am, I will still be yours;
Cos I am a wandering bus and you are my sole destination."

These are the lines, once written by me in someone's appreciation. Now when I read them I feel like 'wow'. Love can make you do things you can never imagine you can. Bad at the English language I hated the subject, grammar part the most. But then there came a situation. The person for which I developed certain feelings; I will refer it as 'she' like my friend cum mentor cum brother cum idiot refers to her better half(:p), asked me to find her a Hindi Poem on 'Women' which she had to narrate on the new years eve in her father's office. I was tensed at first because when first time when your crush ask you for something there seems a desperate urgency in fulfilling it and hitting a standard position in her eyes.Well I have a few friends and in those group I have a, ummm, yes a 'self-made poet'. He loves writing and literally speaking when he shares those with our group it goes over my head and then we beat him up. But we know he has a future in that and he is one incredible writer which I have realized over the years. I aked for help and he readily agreed and within few minutes he sent me a poem by Gulzar "kitni girhein kholi hai maine, kitni girhein ab baaki hai". It was an ultimate poem on the topic given to her. She liked it too. Then we spent few days on the poem. She kept learning and I kept taking her test so she could sing it in a good, rhythmic flow. The day came and she came home with the 2nd or 1st price in her hand (2years back so difficult to remember it) and I was on cloud 99. 

After that day I started falling for her more and more and finally I was down completely. Finding out ways to impress my 'she' the idea of poem came into my mind. The poem that she sang was written on a paper and I had that paper. It took me two nights to search for words to be replaced in the same poem by Gulzar that could give out a meaning of what I wanted to tell her. It started with "aadhi s#@#u dekhi hai maine, aadhi s#@#u abi baaki hai" (s#@#u consists of her name which I don't want to disclose). And it was a long poem that described her and my feelings too. One line that I loved was, "gate ki patli jaali se use main chup chup ke dekhta raha" something like that. I feel bad I don't have the diary in which I wrote that. After this poem every alternate day I had one poem ready for her. She encouraged me and so did my writer friend. 
But when we had to part away for some unsolved reasons I handed her the diary as my memory for her. When we got back I asked her about it. She said she has kept it safe and now it is her's. I didn't bring that topic again. 
The loneliness after she left made me useless. Stopped writing after that. And whenever I thought of writing my vocabulary showed only the words of 'sadness' category. I wrote one or two and it said,

"I always wanted to see the smile on your pretty face;
To dissolve all your fears and problems with my embrace;
But something went wrong and harsh decisions were made;
Never expected this as to my love it's a big disgrace;
Cutting you out of my life will not happen ever;
It's such a painful feeling, you wont be mine forever;
But it's good as I can't keep you happy my dear;
Still I promise to appear, you call me whenever."

Situations change, so does habits and the thinking process.Lets hope for the best to come in our lives.. :)