A Gift is it?

Finally I have it!!
Was it my luck, my persuading, an act of kindness, a new year gift or a hope that has made my little world return to me. I don't know. It happened suddenly and I don't want to find a reason. The reason for her return. 


That moment, when I was sitting comfortably inside my blanket, tired of yet another useless debate and persuasion was suddenly stunned. That text from her, while I read it, my eyes widened, my heart missed a beat and I had goosebumps. I couldn't believe that finally she agreed to forgive me and bring me back to life. I had lots of questions rising in me. Running away from those I just wanted to go grab her, hug her and punish her for all the pain she has given to me and of course herself too. That was the best I could think of. I had lots to say, lots to complain about and of course lots to cry about. 


I pray. It's all I can do to help not ruin everything again. She said she will stay, she will stay till the time comes that we have to part. Why do we have to part? Why can't she be more positive for me? Why can't she be more possessive for me? I don't demand but I want her to see that there are much better things that we can achieve together hand in hand. 


I love to talk to her, listen to her and be beside her. She doesn't want me around all the time but I find myself to go to none other place then to her. Sometimes I curse god for making me so dependent of her. But at the same time I thank him for this priceless gift. I fear to lose it. And her confidence on our 'separation in future' makes me go insane. Will she ever understand that a joke like this is enough to wet my eyes? 


So I have this one thing to say. I wish I treat her like the way she always wanted me to. I never do wrong things knowingly, it's just that I find myself guilty after it is done. I cannot ask for forgiveness anymore if I hurt her again because that wouldn't be justified for her. I will try my best keep her hope alive. I wish we become the same like we were two years ago when her smile used to melt away my anger and that too instantly. This lovely quote for my beloved,

"I will find you; In the farthest corner, I will find you"

The Wasteful Attempt !

At this time of the year many students like me are busy in studying and concluding their semester papers to take a sigh of relief after a hectic month's schedule. But me, I always find some other way/work to run away from studies because of a particular thought in my mind, "padhai to exam wali raat hoti hain." And that's what I do in the end no matter how successfully I conclude my test.


A helping hand I offer to my close ones no matter what is to come later. I realize that its going to effect me in some drastic way but I don't seem to care. I don't understand what's going in me. What I want of this life. Why this loss is effecting me so deep. 
Of course like everybody in their 20's I also have a few dreams, for me and my parents. But the loss, I have made it so immense that its getting hard to escape from it. 


I love music. The Bollywood songs that are soothing and used to express their love for someone. When I hear them it makes me weak. It floods my mind with numerous questions. Some songs like, 'tum ho' from movie 'Rockstar' and 'escape' from album of 'Enrique Iglesias' makes me remember her more and more, makes me curse myself. I am not demented, I am not insecure. Its just that I care to care. And my attempts to be isolated from her have failed each and every time.
I don't regret for allowing her to step into my 'dark' heart. What I regret is that I couldn't help, the darkness engulfed her and now she is shattered too.


I have a life of my own still I don't feel like living in it. There is a void so huge that no amount of happiness can fulfill it. I stay because I have a caring father and a angel mother. They must not pay for my faults. I am paying and I will always pay.
There is no going back and there is no peace. I can't even find  quote that describes my current condition and situation. So unlucky I feel right now.

Boys Do Cry!!

Tears!! They may sound sad and gloomy or disturbing or in any way that brings negative vibes/thoughts in our minds. But they are shed by each and everyone in distress, helplessness, anger, happiness and the infinite emotional states one can go through. Its not just the female sex that cries, its each and everyone of us. We all cry at some moment, for some unexplained reasons no matter what your age is, no matter how experienced you are of life.


People just watch, the eyes go red, the liquid collect around and how it slowly overflows out over the eyelids and flow down the cheeks. What's important is the cause, the cause that ignited the process, the feelings behind it that the living couldn't keep it inside and burst's out. And most important is the satisfaction that he gets after letting out those liquids filled with feelings. 


I cry, I cry a lot. Sometimes with someone close but now most of the time alone. My buddies get pissed off and they say, "kitna royega be??" Well I stop then so they don't feel awkward and so they don't take me as an alien in their group. :p
The mind with its around 100K GB storage has lots of stuff in it. Feelings are the data we read and write on our memory. Enough stuff to enjoy every emotional state on earth.


We all have our reasons to cry. We all have our priorities and a person to share it to. We go through lots of activities in the day and so we need it to share to someone we feel is special to us. When you don't have that you cry even if its against your rules. The heart is helpless and the mind is desperate. 
So just cry and cry out loud. Don't fear what the world thinks of when a boy cries. As after those sparkling pearls fall out the feeling of satisfaction will open many doors for you.

"Crying is all right in its way while it lasts, but you do have to stop, sooner or later to decide what to do next" 

Dilemma- The Villan

The sleep is gone. The peace is gone. The love is gone. Everything around is useless for me. I write to keep myself busy and wonder about the actions I performed to reach where I am right now. I write what I feel deep inside me as I don't have anybody to share with. Not everyone can feel what you might be feeling. And definitely nobody is gonna wait for me to conclude my long story. 


The big dilemma of "love or family" has led to broken hearts and shattered dreams in many peoples life. They can love someone unconditionally but they can't be with the person forever because their 'parents' will be defamed in our society. The girl says, "my father is proud of me and I can't hurt him though I love you. We don't have a future together". So till that moment the so called 'eternal lovers', finish their relation, kill their feelings and wait for their parents to give them a surprise in form of their spouse. Someone you have never known, their thought, their attitude, their other side, nothing. 


Well who has seen the future?  Nobody has so nobody should talk about it. It's just a bunch of probabilities fighting with each other to overcome one another. What's more important is the present, a gift from life. Why ruin it thinking of something that may or may not happen because future is a mystery with infinite possibilities. 


Parents take the place of the almighty and they always think of our betterment they may not always be right. Nobody is perfect. You may give away something today thinking that the future will have something better for you then you are highly mistaken. What if god, the ultimate power wants you to be in a worse state than today, in future? Nothing is for granted. So lets live with what god has given you today. Enjoy what is yours. If it goes away today your mind will curse you to trust the infinite possibilities (future) rather than what you had before it was gone. 


If you live your today with this thought you will not have wait for the future to bring better days but slowly and steadily you can build it the way you want to. I personally feel that there mustn't be any dilemma as such. 'Love' is today and 'Family' is forever. If one want's both to meet in future then live today with your 'Love'. I can bet that each day they would do something for their 'Love' to last forever. Finally the quote says it all.

"The best way to predict future is to create it"

The Emotional Outburst

Today my best buddy told me something that shook me completely (literally I had goosebumps). When I jokingly told him, "ladkiyaan to marti hain mujhpe" he replied in a straight way, "ladkiyaan marti hain tujhpe!!! Mere saath ladkiyaan jeeti hain". Well maybe he was joking or maybe he found it the best phrase to shut me up but for a moment it shook me and all the past memories flooded my mind. It was then when I realized that I have an apology to make to someone.

 

When I see any couple holding hands, resting their heads in each others shoulders and laughing on their sweet little talks, I observe them. I see that what thing is it that is keeping them together? Is it the love, is it the understanding, is it the trust? I search for the specific thing that I missed out and here I am without her. I search and search and search.

Finally I find that the reason was 'freedom'. I was not able to deliver this thing though it was not done knowingly. I never thought of a relationship that will have a end one day and we will be in our separate paths. I always wanted a eternal love and gave everything for it bit by bit. It was 'life' for me. And I didn't want to stay away from my 'life' even for a moment. I used each and every method of communication to reach her voice and know about her current state of living, her mood, her thoughts. Nothing I left because knowing that she is all right gave a satisfaction to my heart. That satisfaction made me live my day. I can never stop thinking of her no matter what I maybe doing because I cared as silly, very silly girl she was and I at no cost could lose her. To lose her was to lose myself. She used to melt my short tempers with her smile. Her touch made me feel complete. I had someone with whom this world seemed to be much more beautiful and nobody in the world will like that thing to get hurt or lost. And so I was this way. I was insecure not because I didn't trust her but because I didn't trust everybody around her. 

My insecurity had reasons but I couldn't explain it to her and when a good thought is taken in a wrong way it always worsens the condition. Tell me to trust her blindly, I will. But a person who gets easily carried away are used by peoples and then they are hurt by the same. She was this type. How can I let anyone do this to her? So I never left her alone the whole time so she could be saved, moreover that she felt more secure as I was around.

But care was taken as "possessiveness", love was taken as "over reaction" and the situation got ruined every time. I couldn't provide enough 'space'. Slowly over time it strangled her, her mind, her soul until she could take no more. Finally she gave up on me. I was unlucky to hear those magical words from her even in a duration of over one and a half years. Every time I pleaded I was given a reason. What love it was that could be felt but not expressed in words? I never found a reason even after such closeness. 

Loving someone too much can also be harmful. But how could someone know that its too much? He/she can just shower their love, how can they measure it so it doesn't overflow? Everyone have their own way of loving people, they have a situation. Mine was a different way and I had to pay heavily for it even when I could explain myself. 

Even now I wait. I wait for the day that I will be understood and called back because its very lonely in here. When you don't have the 'sugar' (love) the 'coffee' (life) will definitely taste bitter. The bitterness makes me do things I never expected to do, unexplained reasons. Every moment demands her. I lose to my heart and I plead. I apologize every time expecting something I don't deserve so I can get  another chance to correct myself. But nothing will bring her back. My love was so extreme that it almost killed her. I hope it never happens to anyone.

Finally with a broken heart, few tears and the darkness around I leave with with the following quote by Lao-Tsu,

"Being loved by someone give you strength

 while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

The Situation

I sit here ideal analyzing all the things and thoughts that crossed my mind since I got up this morning. The happy and the bitter moments. Its strange how just one message from your buddy gives you so much happiness and how badly it hurts when you are expecting someone's message and you never get one. Being hurt or happy is on us. Really it is and nobody can take away that from you. Its we who are responsible for our happiness or sadness. 

Today I felt happy because my best buddy said "love you bhai". Well truly speaking I never expected he would say something like this as he always been better than me in 'almost' every situation and I prayed that he would never give up his friendship thinking of me as a 'loser'. Well today's incidence was enough to reassure me that he will never do it. So I will say "love you too bhai". :p

Meanwhile I curse my mind each day and each moment. I do it because it doesn't listen to me. No matter how much i try not to think of "her" I fail. I am just not able to keep my promise to myself and my mind flashes her pictures, her smiling pictures, her dancing pictures and her leftover pictures. Yes, she is gone. And her pictures is all I have with me to keep myself alive after her. Never ever in my dreams I thought of this to happen. She, my little world, was all I had and she was the one for which I could fight anyone. Even the thought of her parting away from me bought tears to my eyes. It wasn't just attraction or strong desire towards her. I wanted to make it a life-long story but curse my destiny. I bought this fate on me I accept still not a blame but she was also responsible to some extent (very less). Now I am no more the same 'Rohit Kumar Roy' I used to be. They say I have changed. On this I will say that life without her will never be the same again.

As I was saying that we are responsible for our happiness or sadness this was the example to support the statement. I hurt her so now I am being sad and hurt as i don't have her beside me to support me though not my situations. I still wait although I know it's futile and she won't return back. Its just that my heart wins over my mind each time and I decide to wait and waste. In short I still expect. 

This 'six letter word' creates havoc in one's life both in a good and bad way. When something unexpected happens it has only two faces. It can cheer you up to the best case scenario or it can break you up to the worst case scenario. Nobody can live without expecting. There are people who say very proudly, "I don't expect anything from anyone". But even they know that somewhere in their hearts this 'six letter word' has a place. Its human nature and it is cent percent true. 

So expectations break and people are hurt. Also if you get more than you you expect it would definitely beautify your life. Well I can't say everyone to stop expecting as that would be against the human nature protocols. :D

I have learnt to expect least. So that if I get more I am happy and god forbid if it breaks again then I would not face a critical state of trauma like the one I am into right now. 

Lets see how long this new 'mantra' lasts. Leaving you all with a hypothetical quote by Alexander Pope.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed"

The Beginning

You can never live happy if you keep it inside, what's inside you. The 'insider' is very sensitive and it needs someone who will understand it else it brings madness. The 'insider' would steal away your happiness, your feelings and your sleep. Its wrath can be a killer if someone would have felt it. 

So sometime or the other one needs to find someone who will just stand by you and listen to the 'insider'. Anyone, it could be anyone. Just a kind act of listening from someone can really heal your heart. So if you still don't have it and you are still willing to get the 'insider' out, find someone.

Now i want the 'insider' in me to get out and i couldn't find anyone who could help me so I am here. I am here to display what's inside me. I am here to show those millions of thoughts that cross my mind each day and i have nobody to share it with. I am here to show people the better or worse side of me (whichever way one takes it). 

This is the beginning and i can no end to it now. I pray to god that this time i am not in the wrong direction.

"a journey of thousand miles must begin with a single step"