After Death!!

Death is permanent, maybe sooner or later. It does not occur when you are prepared for it, rather it attacks when you are not expecting it.

I haven't really experienced any death except until I was small. Back then I didn't had an idea of what life or death is. Recently I had an encounter with a body of a person that took care of me like its own child, my aunt. I, then felt what it feels inside to see a body with no trace of life in it.

The incident took place in the emergency ward of the hospital. There was a machine which had its wires attached to the patient's body. The machine measured the pulse rate and blood pressure. Basically the machine was a medium to show the people that the patient's heart is still working. This machine made a constant loud beep sound within a time interval of 2 seconds. The patient was lying unconscious. The beep was so loud that I felt like it pierced my eardrums. With each beep I felt more alarmed about the next moment of what the machine was gonna show. It was like waiting in anticipation for something to happen, knowing that eventually it will happen. As time passed, the 2 seconds interval beeps died to a permanent sound, showing that the person is no more.

I touched the body. It was ice cold as the blood circulation has ceased. The body was lying down, eyes closed, like it was in a deep sleep. The little children's cried for the gone. People were giving chocolates and money to them to cheer them up, making up stories that the body is sleeping and will get up in a while and start playing with them. All this stuff was clouding my head, making it turn in a headache.

Lots of rituals took place, around the body, covering it up with white cloth, shifting it on a bamboo bed with the four ends extended to carry it all the way to the final destination. I saw it rise, lifted and carried. I carried the weight too, it felt like the person was blessing me to carry her.

The shore of the Ganges waited. The fog had covered up the sky completely making it difficult to see through the other shore. The water was ice cold. Some bodies were being lighted along the shore. It was a creepy moment for me.

The wooden bed was ready. The rituals performed and the body being lifted on to the bed. It was covered further with the woods. 'Mukh-agni' or lighting up the bed from the side of the head was done by the younger son. Soon the bed was on fire. Slowly it engulfed the whole body inside it. The muscle's were slowly being burned layer by layer until it's core. The bones too burnt down like they were not bones but logs of woods. People said that the body has been returned back to the earth, from where it was risen. At the end I saw the skull, completely burnt, half black and half white. Goosebumps startled me and I closed my eyes just to see the same picture that was in front of me.

That day I realised the power of fire, its beauty and its tragedy. Fire is amazing, the most beautiful thing made by god. It has the power to build and destroy, give and take!!

          "Death is not a painful process;
                It is a path to freedom."

A Journey to Reach my Mother

It is about a journey. A journey to my hometown. It was a little late in the evening when I had to reach New Delhi railway station to catch the train. Like always being a bit cautious I reached an hour before the departure. It was a drizzling evening. The weather has changed today. From hot afternoon’s to wet days. I waited at one side of the two sided flat platform observing the ongoing events at the station.

When I used to be a kid there were instances when the teachers gave us to write an essay on “a scene at the railway station”. And then I used to visualize my last visit to the station when I left the city where my school was to where my mother stayed in the village. And then I would just scribble a story getting bored from remembering all the past stuff. Now when I remember that time I stopped to give a moment observing and storing each detail in my mind.

There were people scattered all over the platform waiting for their respective trains. And I was one of them too. As I saw across the platform some kids were busy collecting the thrown away plastic bottles by the passengers. Others were cleaning the platform and asking money from the commuters as a reward for their job. The shop owners were sitting idle hoping that someone interested would come to them and they will have something to earn for the day. The hawkers were running around with their stuff shouting on top of their voices to grab attention of everyone present in their vicinity. The worst part were the beggars. There were plenty of them and of numerous kinds. Some showed their missing body parts and asked for money, some showed their small child and their hunger to ask for money and the worst one was that young kids did the same wearing all kind of rags to persuade the people to spare some money. All this was making me feel bad and lots of questions aroused in my mind regarding ‘India as the youth county’. The youth instead of making India proud they are making it ashamed.

All these things were revolving in my mind and finally my eyes landed on a book shop. This is the best shop that I find wherever I go. I love to read in my leisure time. I got some magazines that would let me spend some quality time in the train. After my purchase was done I waited and finally my known to companions arrived with whom I was to share my journey. As the train entered the platform, the people rushed inside through the emergency window as it has no ‘bars’. Then they opened the doors that were closed from inside. I waited for others to pass; knowing that there’s no point pushing people and get pushed. Somehow in the end I managed to place my luggage at my desired place. We all settled down as the train was still being packed up. Mine was side upper berth and my neighbor’s were two families travelling. Both the families had babies of 1-2 years.

I don’t prefer such journey’s with families and specially kids. They are very cute and loving but at the same time they can be a reason for your headache. Well nothing much could be done now as the computer at the Railway Reservation office has commanded you to spend the next 20 hours with strangers of different origins. I think this is one good about the Indian Railways. We meet with hundreds of people over the journey and sometimes they really affect your life in the most amazing way. At least we come to know about the types of people we can find around us. This makes us more cautionary and alert from inside. It can be said as, ‘a test for personality development’.

Next was the time for dinner and so I and my companions had the belongings of the lunchbox I got from home. During the journey many people came across me. I would really like to describe about one person in detail. He was from Uttar Pradesh. And he had to get down at some place. He had a ‘pass’ which didn’t require a ticket to travel. He was some person working in the Indian Railways, maybe the gateman who changes track near railway crossings. He started criticizing the engineering students after he heard that the annual fee required is above one lacs. Well he tried to show off his knowledge and finally we ended in a fired up discussion. Finally he got down and we took a sigh of relief. 

The journey was tough with the amount of people that entered the coach with the ‘waiting ticket’ tag on them. Well I was in that list too but I had my companion’s seat to settle somehow. And the journey took almost 20 hours to finish. I got down at Hajipur Junction and it was already dark. Also I was still 70km away from home. Waited for the next local for home.

Finally I got to see my “maa’s” face in the dim bulb light flickering through the room. My tiredness vanished for a moment. Took her blessings and talked to her. Her eyes showed a sigh of relief on seeing me after months. She had been waiting for me from evening. Finally after my dinner and few moments of talk I slept in her lap and leapt into the world of dreams.

The Moody Me!!

Not everyone knows me well enough to judge me. I am good to people that in no way means that I am always as good as I seem to be. People close to me have seen my temper to its peak and also the other part of me. 'Mood Swings' are an integral part of me and I can never run away from this bitter truth that it has made my impression go worse on peoples I really care for.

"I don't usually lose my temper but if I do then it's true, I am scary"

I was not always the same of what I have become now. From my pre-school to my 10th I used to be quiet, calm and composed. Others bullied me for no reason still I never answered back as it would only lead to a series of throwing ugly words to others and finally a fight. So it was better to just listen to the big boy's of the class and ignore it. But then I realized that people take you for granted if you don't react to their superlative brains. So I decided to change and then situations made me worse by worse as time passed. 

Now making me angry is the best thing one can do and that to without effort. Now I get angry to little things. People don't understand that I don't like few things to happen with me still some or the other way do it and BOOM. Some nerves in my brain blow, the adrenaline in my body pumps up and my anger comes alive. When I don't want to show it I stay quiet, I burn inside me so that the second person in front of me doesn't get hurt. Literally speaking I feel like I am turning into a HULK. 

The worst part is that after a session of bad mood realize what I have done. The damage done sometimes is unmeasurable. The other side of me sees no love, no feelings, no relations when it gets over me. Sometimes my efforts fail to repair the damage done. I regret it but it becomes useless sometimes. 

So to all those who know me, I am not bad except for the "Moody Me" inside me. It takes time to get over habits and the duration is not yet known by me. 

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"

My "Inspirational" Story!!!

"You and me share a wonderful relation;
For me you are god's best creation;
War and peace, everyday we face it;
Thank you for bearing my endless frustration;
So close to my heart in such small duration:
You contain all the things to become my temptation;
No matter how much angry I am, I will still be yours;
Cos I am a wandering bus and you are my sole destination."

These are the lines, once written by me in someone's appreciation. Now when I read them I feel like 'wow'. Love can make you do things you can never imagine you can. Bad at the English language I hated the subject, grammar part the most. But then there came a situation. The person for which I developed certain feelings; I will refer it as 'she' like my friend cum mentor cum brother cum idiot refers to her better half(:p), asked me to find her a Hindi Poem on 'Women' which she had to narrate on the new years eve in her father's office. I was tensed at first because when first time when your crush ask you for something there seems a desperate urgency in fulfilling it and hitting a standard position in her eyes.Well I have a few friends and in those group I have a, ummm, yes a 'self-made poet'. He loves writing and literally speaking when he shares those with our group it goes over my head and then we beat him up. But we know he has a future in that and he is one incredible writer which I have realized over the years. I aked for help and he readily agreed and within few minutes he sent me a poem by Gulzar "kitni girhein kholi hai maine, kitni girhein ab baaki hai". It was an ultimate poem on the topic given to her. She liked it too. Then we spent few days on the poem. She kept learning and I kept taking her test so she could sing it in a good, rhythmic flow. The day came and she came home with the 2nd or 1st price in her hand (2years back so difficult to remember it) and I was on cloud 99. 

After that day I started falling for her more and more and finally I was down completely. Finding out ways to impress my 'she' the idea of poem came into my mind. The poem that she sang was written on a paper and I had that paper. It took me two nights to search for words to be replaced in the same poem by Gulzar that could give out a meaning of what I wanted to tell her. It started with "aadhi s#@#u dekhi hai maine, aadhi s#@#u abi baaki hai" (s#@#u consists of her name which I don't want to disclose). And it was a long poem that described her and my feelings too. One line that I loved was, "gate ki patli jaali se use main chup chup ke dekhta raha" something like that. I feel bad I don't have the diary in which I wrote that. After this poem every alternate day I had one poem ready for her. She encouraged me and so did my writer friend. 
But when we had to part away for some unsolved reasons I handed her the diary as my memory for her. When we got back I asked her about it. She said she has kept it safe and now it is her's. I didn't bring that topic again. 
The loneliness after she left made me useless. Stopped writing after that. And whenever I thought of writing my vocabulary showed only the words of 'sadness' category. I wrote one or two and it said,

"I always wanted to see the smile on your pretty face;
To dissolve all your fears and problems with my embrace;
But something went wrong and harsh decisions were made;
Never expected this as to my love it's a big disgrace;
Cutting you out of my life will not happen ever;
It's such a painful feeling, you wont be mine forever;
But it's good as I can't keep you happy my dear;
Still I promise to appear, you call me whenever."

Situations change, so does habits and the thinking process.Lets hope for the best to come in our lives.. :)

A Cold Perspective!!!

A rainy day, my eyes opened to search my phone to check out the "good morning" text from her. Well it has been a custom for me these days. The 1st text from her to bring a smile on my still sleepy face. That seems to be the only happy moment at the daybreak because as the day passes the environment around me at home gets worse. 

I sit on a chair in my balcony. The cold wind seeps through my old, worn out jacket and I can feel the goosebumps rising within. Thoughts are getting rearranged within my mind thinking of which one should I think of first, me, family, her, them etc. Confused and fighting my mental confusion I jump to a particular subject and the mental debate follows to find an optimal solution. 

The problems never end, the attempts against the problem have a least probability of success and the courage to take another step makes itself feeble. I have good people around me with whom I share wonderful relations. They may help me in several situations and they will always be beside me. There are several ups and downs in my mind several times about a situation, about my condition. When will the time come when I will be independent and an ideal for somebody? How will I bring it upon me? Will I be lucky enough to stand apart from the crowd??

The prayers, the requests from god, is he hearing me? Do I need to pray some more? Shall I turn into a atheist? There is no answer. We humans are automated to try till we die. Just a kaash remains in our lives. And literally I am fed up with this word. This thought comes up very often in my mind and I hate to face it. 

Once again hope for the best..

The Tranquilizer to my Life!!

Well I am writing a blog and in my mind right now have her picture. She, I have a million things in my mind about her but I just couldn't find the right words to describe it. Also to mention, I have a weak vocabulary. :p
So I will start with whatever comes in my mind. Please forgive me if I hurt you by means of this blog.


I never have given much importance to people in my life. I have tried, tried to make people happy by doing all those things that was under my will. Still I have felt the sense of discontent from the people I never wanted to part with. Maybe because I couldn't keep them happy enough or maybe because they took my incapability as my selfishness. Maybe this is the reason for my present state of a so called maniac. There are so many maybe's which we want to solve but half of us don't find the courage and other half don't find the successful path that leads to the feel of satisfaction. My reason for so many maybe's are that I never find the courage (or take it as my ego) to approach the people and question them that where did I go wrong? Maybe I don't want to hear about my drawbacks. Again a maybe!!


We are never aware of what is to come next in life. Tomorrow is a surprise for all. That surprise may be good or bad to all possible extents. One surprise was for me as well in form of her. She changed my life. My life seemed much brighter and much happier with her. What was she? An angel, just a kind-hearted girl or.. I am out of words. She is so happy all the time that people around her can't resist to be happy with her. But for me she was the reason for my joy. After her appearance in my life I could feel it to be more stable than before. It was like the 'Brownian motion' of life have changed to a 'straight line' path, constant and directed.


I have promised her a lot of things. Lot of things for tomorrow. And she also definitely would have lots of expectations from me. Will I be able to fulfill it? Will she understand that I am trying to keep my promises? Will she lose all hopes for me? A weird, cold, angry and painful thought spins in my mind and makes me dizzy and weaken my high spirit. 
But then I realize that its the only thing she and I have got, HIGH SPIRIT. High spirit that everything will be fine as time passes and like the movies we too will have a happy ending.


I just demand one thing from god that it keeps her in a happy state like she has always wanted to be. Some people deserve to be happy, not because you care for them but because they think of others before they think of themselves.

 "She's always there for me when I need her,

 she's my best friend, she's my everything"

The Past 365 days!!

2k14! It was definitely like all the years with ups and downs and constants too. :p
I have very few 'new things list' to describe every passing year. I just alter and arrange whatever I have with me. Because changes haven't been an 'integral' part of me for a long time. Also my loved ones know what they are for me and I am happy to have them all no offense.


So the previous year started smoothly with a change in my attitude towards my loved ones. My short temper and my unstable mood hurt a lot a people. Unknowingly I was pushing away my loved ones from me. Though I realized I was too late which lead to worst conversations and lots of tears.
Some so the special moments included my brother's marriage, my best friend's happiness and finally the return which I mentioned in my previous post (A Gift it is?).
Some worst moments included my indulgence into some bad activities which definitely depended on the situation I was in. I won't regret it but also I am not proud of it.


Now I have a new thinking about life. I don't want to be impatient and lose peoples close to me, already they are scarce. "Live and let live".
I hope I am able to keep my so called resolution this year and the following years. 
Be with the best Friends and Happy New Year to all. Will be leaving you all with Brad Paisley's quotes on reference to 31st December 2k14,

"Tomorrow, is the first blank page of the 365 page book, write a good one" 

A Gift is it?

Finally I have it!!
Was it my luck, my persuading, an act of kindness, a new year gift or a hope that has made my little world return to me. I don't know. It happened suddenly and I don't want to find a reason. The reason for her return. 


That moment, when I was sitting comfortably inside my blanket, tired of yet another useless debate and persuasion was suddenly stunned. That text from her, while I read it, my eyes widened, my heart missed a beat and I had goosebumps. I couldn't believe that finally she agreed to forgive me and bring me back to life. I had lots of questions rising in me. Running away from those I just wanted to go grab her, hug her and punish her for all the pain she has given to me and of course herself too. That was the best I could think of. I had lots to say, lots to complain about and of course lots to cry about. 


I pray. It's all I can do to help not ruin everything again. She said she will stay, she will stay till the time comes that we have to part. Why do we have to part? Why can't she be more positive for me? Why can't she be more possessive for me? I don't demand but I want her to see that there are much better things that we can achieve together hand in hand. 


I love to talk to her, listen to her and be beside her. She doesn't want me around all the time but I find myself to go to none other place then to her. Sometimes I curse god for making me so dependent of her. But at the same time I thank him for this priceless gift. I fear to lose it. And her confidence on our 'separation in future' makes me go insane. Will she ever understand that a joke like this is enough to wet my eyes? 


So I have this one thing to say. I wish I treat her like the way she always wanted me to. I never do wrong things knowingly, it's just that I find myself guilty after it is done. I cannot ask for forgiveness anymore if I hurt her again because that wouldn't be justified for her. I will try my best keep her hope alive. I wish we become the same like we were two years ago when her smile used to melt away my anger and that too instantly. This lovely quote for my beloved,

"I will find you; In the farthest corner, I will find you"

The Wasteful Attempt !

At this time of the year many students like me are busy in studying and concluding their semester papers to take a sigh of relief after a hectic month's schedule. But me, I always find some other way/work to run away from studies because of a particular thought in my mind, "padhai to exam wali raat hoti hain." And that's what I do in the end no matter how successfully I conclude my test.


A helping hand I offer to my close ones no matter what is to come later. I realize that its going to effect me in some drastic way but I don't seem to care. I don't understand what's going in me. What I want of this life. Why this loss is effecting me so deep. 
Of course like everybody in their 20's I also have a few dreams, for me and my parents. But the loss, I have made it so immense that its getting hard to escape from it. 


I love music. The Bollywood songs that are soothing and used to express their love for someone. When I hear them it makes me weak. It floods my mind with numerous questions. Some songs like, 'tum ho' from movie 'Rockstar' and 'escape' from album of 'Enrique Iglesias' makes me remember her more and more, makes me curse myself. I am not demented, I am not insecure. Its just that I care to care. And my attempts to be isolated from her have failed each and every time.
I don't regret for allowing her to step into my 'dark' heart. What I regret is that I couldn't help, the darkness engulfed her and now she is shattered too.


I have a life of my own still I don't feel like living in it. There is a void so huge that no amount of happiness can fulfill it. I stay because I have a caring father and a angel mother. They must not pay for my faults. I am paying and I will always pay.
There is no going back and there is no peace. I can't even find  quote that describes my current condition and situation. So unlucky I feel right now.

Boys Do Cry!!

Tears!! They may sound sad and gloomy or disturbing or in any way that brings negative vibes/thoughts in our minds. But they are shed by each and everyone in distress, helplessness, anger, happiness and the infinite emotional states one can go through. Its not just the female sex that cries, its each and everyone of us. We all cry at some moment, for some unexplained reasons no matter what your age is, no matter how experienced you are of life.


People just watch, the eyes go red, the liquid collect around and how it slowly overflows out over the eyelids and flow down the cheeks. What's important is the cause, the cause that ignited the process, the feelings behind it that the living couldn't keep it inside and burst's out. And most important is the satisfaction that he gets after letting out those liquids filled with feelings. 


I cry, I cry a lot. Sometimes with someone close but now most of the time alone. My buddies get pissed off and they say, "kitna royega be??" Well I stop then so they don't feel awkward and so they don't take me as an alien in their group. :p
The mind with its around 100K GB storage has lots of stuff in it. Feelings are the data we read and write on our memory. Enough stuff to enjoy every emotional state on earth.


We all have our reasons to cry. We all have our priorities and a person to share it to. We go through lots of activities in the day and so we need it to share to someone we feel is special to us. When you don't have that you cry even if its against your rules. The heart is helpless and the mind is desperate. 
So just cry and cry out loud. Don't fear what the world thinks of when a boy cries. As after those sparkling pearls fall out the feeling of satisfaction will open many doors for you.

"Crying is all right in its way while it lasts, but you do have to stop, sooner or later to decide what to do next" 

Dilemma- The Villan

The sleep is gone. The peace is gone. The love is gone. Everything around is useless for me. I write to keep myself busy and wonder about the actions I performed to reach where I am right now. I write what I feel deep inside me as I don't have anybody to share with. Not everyone can feel what you might be feeling. And definitely nobody is gonna wait for me to conclude my long story. 


The big dilemma of "love or family" has led to broken hearts and shattered dreams in many peoples life. They can love someone unconditionally but they can't be with the person forever because their 'parents' will be defamed in our society. The girl says, "my father is proud of me and I can't hurt him though I love you. We don't have a future together". So till that moment the so called 'eternal lovers', finish their relation, kill their feelings and wait for their parents to give them a surprise in form of their spouse. Someone you have never known, their thought, their attitude, their other side, nothing. 


Well who has seen the future?  Nobody has so nobody should talk about it. It's just a bunch of probabilities fighting with each other to overcome one another. What's more important is the present, a gift from life. Why ruin it thinking of something that may or may not happen because future is a mystery with infinite possibilities. 


Parents take the place of the almighty and they always think of our betterment they may not always be right. Nobody is perfect. You may give away something today thinking that the future will have something better for you then you are highly mistaken. What if god, the ultimate power wants you to be in a worse state than today, in future? Nothing is for granted. So lets live with what god has given you today. Enjoy what is yours. If it goes away today your mind will curse you to trust the infinite possibilities (future) rather than what you had before it was gone. 


If you live your today with this thought you will not have wait for the future to bring better days but slowly and steadily you can build it the way you want to. I personally feel that there mustn't be any dilemma as such. 'Love' is today and 'Family' is forever. If one want's both to meet in future then live today with your 'Love'. I can bet that each day they would do something for their 'Love' to last forever. Finally the quote says it all.

"The best way to predict future is to create it"

The Emotional Outburst

Today my best buddy told me something that shook me completely (literally I had goosebumps). When I jokingly told him, "ladkiyaan to marti hain mujhpe" he replied in a straight way, "ladkiyaan marti hain tujhpe!!! Mere saath ladkiyaan jeeti hain". Well maybe he was joking or maybe he found it the best phrase to shut me up but for a moment it shook me and all the past memories flooded my mind. It was then when I realized that I have an apology to make to someone.

 

When I see any couple holding hands, resting their heads in each others shoulders and laughing on their sweet little talks, I observe them. I see that what thing is it that is keeping them together? Is it the love, is it the understanding, is it the trust? I search for the specific thing that I missed out and here I am without her. I search and search and search.

Finally I find that the reason was 'freedom'. I was not able to deliver this thing though it was not done knowingly. I never thought of a relationship that will have a end one day and we will be in our separate paths. I always wanted a eternal love and gave everything for it bit by bit. It was 'life' for me. And I didn't want to stay away from my 'life' even for a moment. I used each and every method of communication to reach her voice and know about her current state of living, her mood, her thoughts. Nothing I left because knowing that she is all right gave a satisfaction to my heart. That satisfaction made me live my day. I can never stop thinking of her no matter what I maybe doing because I cared as silly, very silly girl she was and I at no cost could lose her. To lose her was to lose myself. She used to melt my short tempers with her smile. Her touch made me feel complete. I had someone with whom this world seemed to be much more beautiful and nobody in the world will like that thing to get hurt or lost. And so I was this way. I was insecure not because I didn't trust her but because I didn't trust everybody around her. 

My insecurity had reasons but I couldn't explain it to her and when a good thought is taken in a wrong way it always worsens the condition. Tell me to trust her blindly, I will. But a person who gets easily carried away are used by peoples and then they are hurt by the same. She was this type. How can I let anyone do this to her? So I never left her alone the whole time so she could be saved, moreover that she felt more secure as I was around.

But care was taken as "possessiveness", love was taken as "over reaction" and the situation got ruined every time. I couldn't provide enough 'space'. Slowly over time it strangled her, her mind, her soul until she could take no more. Finally she gave up on me. I was unlucky to hear those magical words from her even in a duration of over one and a half years. Every time I pleaded I was given a reason. What love it was that could be felt but not expressed in words? I never found a reason even after such closeness. 

Loving someone too much can also be harmful. But how could someone know that its too much? He/she can just shower their love, how can they measure it so it doesn't overflow? Everyone have their own way of loving people, they have a situation. Mine was a different way and I had to pay heavily for it even when I could explain myself. 

Even now I wait. I wait for the day that I will be understood and called back because its very lonely in here. When you don't have the 'sugar' (love) the 'coffee' (life) will definitely taste bitter. The bitterness makes me do things I never expected to do, unexplained reasons. Every moment demands her. I lose to my heart and I plead. I apologize every time expecting something I don't deserve so I can get  another chance to correct myself. But nothing will bring her back. My love was so extreme that it almost killed her. I hope it never happens to anyone.

Finally with a broken heart, few tears and the darkness around I leave with with the following quote by Lao-Tsu,

"Being loved by someone give you strength

 while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

The Situation

I sit here ideal analyzing all the things and thoughts that crossed my mind since I got up this morning. The happy and the bitter moments. Its strange how just one message from your buddy gives you so much happiness and how badly it hurts when you are expecting someone's message and you never get one. Being hurt or happy is on us. Really it is and nobody can take away that from you. Its we who are responsible for our happiness or sadness. 

Today I felt happy because my best buddy said "love you bhai". Well truly speaking I never expected he would say something like this as he always been better than me in 'almost' every situation and I prayed that he would never give up his friendship thinking of me as a 'loser'. Well today's incidence was enough to reassure me that he will never do it. So I will say "love you too bhai". :p

Meanwhile I curse my mind each day and each moment. I do it because it doesn't listen to me. No matter how much i try not to think of "her" I fail. I am just not able to keep my promise to myself and my mind flashes her pictures, her smiling pictures, her dancing pictures and her leftover pictures. Yes, she is gone. And her pictures is all I have with me to keep myself alive after her. Never ever in my dreams I thought of this to happen. She, my little world, was all I had and she was the one for which I could fight anyone. Even the thought of her parting away from me bought tears to my eyes. It wasn't just attraction or strong desire towards her. I wanted to make it a life-long story but curse my destiny. I bought this fate on me I accept still not a blame but she was also responsible to some extent (very less). Now I am no more the same 'Rohit Kumar Roy' I used to be. They say I have changed. On this I will say that life without her will never be the same again.

As I was saying that we are responsible for our happiness or sadness this was the example to support the statement. I hurt her so now I am being sad and hurt as i don't have her beside me to support me though not my situations. I still wait although I know it's futile and she won't return back. Its just that my heart wins over my mind each time and I decide to wait and waste. In short I still expect. 

This 'six letter word' creates havoc in one's life both in a good and bad way. When something unexpected happens it has only two faces. It can cheer you up to the best case scenario or it can break you up to the worst case scenario. Nobody can live without expecting. There are people who say very proudly, "I don't expect anything from anyone". But even they know that somewhere in their hearts this 'six letter word' has a place. Its human nature and it is cent percent true. 

So expectations break and people are hurt. Also if you get more than you you expect it would definitely beautify your life. Well I can't say everyone to stop expecting as that would be against the human nature protocols. :D

I have learnt to expect least. So that if I get more I am happy and god forbid if it breaks again then I would not face a critical state of trauma like the one I am into right now. 

Lets see how long this new 'mantra' lasts. Leaving you all with a hypothetical quote by Alexander Pope.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed"

The Beginning

You can never live happy if you keep it inside, what's inside you. The 'insider' is very sensitive and it needs someone who will understand it else it brings madness. The 'insider' would steal away your happiness, your feelings and your sleep. Its wrath can be a killer if someone would have felt it. 

So sometime or the other one needs to find someone who will just stand by you and listen to the 'insider'. Anyone, it could be anyone. Just a kind act of listening from someone can really heal your heart. So if you still don't have it and you are still willing to get the 'insider' out, find someone.

Now i want the 'insider' in me to get out and i couldn't find anyone who could help me so I am here. I am here to display what's inside me. I am here to show those millions of thoughts that cross my mind each day and i have nobody to share it with. I am here to show people the better or worse side of me (whichever way one takes it). 

This is the beginning and i can no end to it now. I pray to god that this time i am not in the wrong direction.

"a journey of thousand miles must begin with a single step"