A Journey to Reach my Mother

It is about a journey. A journey to my hometown. It was a little late in the evening when I had to reach New Delhi railway station to catch the train. Like always being a bit cautious I reached an hour before the departure. It was a drizzling evening. The weather has changed today. From hot afternoon’s to wet days. I waited at one side of the two sided flat platform observing the ongoing events at the station.

When I used to be a kid there were instances when the teachers gave us to write an essay on “a scene at the railway station”. And then I used to visualize my last visit to the station when I left the city where my school was to where my mother stayed in the village. And then I would just scribble a story getting bored from remembering all the past stuff. Now when I remember that time I stopped to give a moment observing and storing each detail in my mind.

There were people scattered all over the platform waiting for their respective trains. And I was one of them too. As I saw across the platform some kids were busy collecting the thrown away plastic bottles by the passengers. Others were cleaning the platform and asking money from the commuters as a reward for their job. The shop owners were sitting idle hoping that someone interested would come to them and they will have something to earn for the day. The hawkers were running around with their stuff shouting on top of their voices to grab attention of everyone present in their vicinity. The worst part were the beggars. There were plenty of them and of numerous kinds. Some showed their missing body parts and asked for money, some showed their small child and their hunger to ask for money and the worst one was that young kids did the same wearing all kind of rags to persuade the people to spare some money. All this was making me feel bad and lots of questions aroused in my mind regarding ‘India as the youth county’. The youth instead of making India proud they are making it ashamed.

All these things were revolving in my mind and finally my eyes landed on a book shop. This is the best shop that I find wherever I go. I love to read in my leisure time. I got some magazines that would let me spend some quality time in the train. After my purchase was done I waited and finally my known to companions arrived with whom I was to share my journey. As the train entered the platform, the people rushed inside through the emergency window as it has no ‘bars’. Then they opened the doors that were closed from inside. I waited for others to pass; knowing that there’s no point pushing people and get pushed. Somehow in the end I managed to place my luggage at my desired place. We all settled down as the train was still being packed up. Mine was side upper berth and my neighbor’s were two families travelling. Both the families had babies of 1-2 years.

I don’t prefer such journey’s with families and specially kids. They are very cute and loving but at the same time they can be a reason for your headache. Well nothing much could be done now as the computer at the Railway Reservation office has commanded you to spend the next 20 hours with strangers of different origins. I think this is one good about the Indian Railways. We meet with hundreds of people over the journey and sometimes they really affect your life in the most amazing way. At least we come to know about the types of people we can find around us. This makes us more cautionary and alert from inside. It can be said as, ‘a test for personality development’.

Next was the time for dinner and so I and my companions had the belongings of the lunchbox I got from home. During the journey many people came across me. I would really like to describe about one person in detail. He was from Uttar Pradesh. And he had to get down at some place. He had a ‘pass’ which didn’t require a ticket to travel. He was some person working in the Indian Railways, maybe the gateman who changes track near railway crossings. He started criticizing the engineering students after he heard that the annual fee required is above one lacs. Well he tried to show off his knowledge and finally we ended in a fired up discussion. Finally he got down and we took a sigh of relief. 

The journey was tough with the amount of people that entered the coach with the ‘waiting ticket’ tag on them. Well I was in that list too but I had my companion’s seat to settle somehow. And the journey took almost 20 hours to finish. I got down at Hajipur Junction and it was already dark. Also I was still 70km away from home. Waited for the next local for home.

Finally I got to see my “maa’s” face in the dim bulb light flickering through the room. My tiredness vanished for a moment. Took her blessings and talked to her. Her eyes showed a sigh of relief on seeing me after months. She had been waiting for me from evening. Finally after my dinner and few moments of talk I slept in her lap and leapt into the world of dreams.

The Moody Me!!

Not everyone knows me well enough to judge me. I am good to people that in no way means that I am always as good as I seem to be. People close to me have seen my temper to its peak and also the other part of me. 'Mood Swings' are an integral part of me and I can never run away from this bitter truth that it has made my impression go worse on peoples I really care for.

"I don't usually lose my temper but if I do then it's true, I am scary"

I was not always the same of what I have become now. From my pre-school to my 10th I used to be quiet, calm and composed. Others bullied me for no reason still I never answered back as it would only lead to a series of throwing ugly words to others and finally a fight. So it was better to just listen to the big boy's of the class and ignore it. But then I realized that people take you for granted if you don't react to their superlative brains. So I decided to change and then situations made me worse by worse as time passed. 

Now making me angry is the best thing one can do and that to without effort. Now I get angry to little things. People don't understand that I don't like few things to happen with me still some or the other way do it and BOOM. Some nerves in my brain blow, the adrenaline in my body pumps up and my anger comes alive. When I don't want to show it I stay quiet, I burn inside me so that the second person in front of me doesn't get hurt. Literally speaking I feel like I am turning into a HULK. 

The worst part is that after a session of bad mood realize what I have done. The damage done sometimes is unmeasurable. The other side of me sees no love, no feelings, no relations when it gets over me. Sometimes my efforts fail to repair the damage done. I regret it but it becomes useless sometimes. 

So to all those who know me, I am not bad except for the "Moody Me" inside me. It takes time to get over habits and the duration is not yet known by me. 

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"

My "Inspirational" Story!!!

"You and me share a wonderful relation;
For me you are god's best creation;
War and peace, everyday we face it;
Thank you for bearing my endless frustration;
So close to my heart in such small duration:
You contain all the things to become my temptation;
No matter how much angry I am, I will still be yours;
Cos I am a wandering bus and you are my sole destination."

These are the lines, once written by me in someone's appreciation. Now when I read them I feel like 'wow'. Love can make you do things you can never imagine you can. Bad at the English language I hated the subject, grammar part the most. But then there came a situation. The person for which I developed certain feelings; I will refer it as 'she' like my friend cum mentor cum brother cum idiot refers to her better half(:p), asked me to find her a Hindi Poem on 'Women' which she had to narrate on the new years eve in her father's office. I was tensed at first because when first time when your crush ask you for something there seems a desperate urgency in fulfilling it and hitting a standard position in her eyes.Well I have a few friends and in those group I have a, ummm, yes a 'self-made poet'. He loves writing and literally speaking when he shares those with our group it goes over my head and then we beat him up. But we know he has a future in that and he is one incredible writer which I have realized over the years. I aked for help and he readily agreed and within few minutes he sent me a poem by Gulzar "kitni girhein kholi hai maine, kitni girhein ab baaki hai". It was an ultimate poem on the topic given to her. She liked it too. Then we spent few days on the poem. She kept learning and I kept taking her test so she could sing it in a good, rhythmic flow. The day came and she came home with the 2nd or 1st price in her hand (2years back so difficult to remember it) and I was on cloud 99. 

After that day I started falling for her more and more and finally I was down completely. Finding out ways to impress my 'she' the idea of poem came into my mind. The poem that she sang was written on a paper and I had that paper. It took me two nights to search for words to be replaced in the same poem by Gulzar that could give out a meaning of what I wanted to tell her. It started with "aadhi s#@#u dekhi hai maine, aadhi s#@#u abi baaki hai" (s#@#u consists of her name which I don't want to disclose). And it was a long poem that described her and my feelings too. One line that I loved was, "gate ki patli jaali se use main chup chup ke dekhta raha" something like that. I feel bad I don't have the diary in which I wrote that. After this poem every alternate day I had one poem ready for her. She encouraged me and so did my writer friend. 
But when we had to part away for some unsolved reasons I handed her the diary as my memory for her. When we got back I asked her about it. She said she has kept it safe and now it is her's. I didn't bring that topic again. 
The loneliness after she left made me useless. Stopped writing after that. And whenever I thought of writing my vocabulary showed only the words of 'sadness' category. I wrote one or two and it said,

"I always wanted to see the smile on your pretty face;
To dissolve all your fears and problems with my embrace;
But something went wrong and harsh decisions were made;
Never expected this as to my love it's a big disgrace;
Cutting you out of my life will not happen ever;
It's such a painful feeling, you wont be mine forever;
But it's good as I can't keep you happy my dear;
Still I promise to appear, you call me whenever."

Situations change, so does habits and the thinking process.Lets hope for the best to come in our lives.. :)

A Cold Perspective!!!

A rainy day, my eyes opened to search my phone to check out the "good morning" text from her. Well it has been a custom for me these days. The 1st text from her to bring a smile on my still sleepy face. That seems to be the only happy moment at the daybreak because as the day passes the environment around me at home gets worse. 

I sit on a chair in my balcony. The cold wind seeps through my old, worn out jacket and I can feel the goosebumps rising within. Thoughts are getting rearranged within my mind thinking of which one should I think of first, me, family, her, them etc. Confused and fighting my mental confusion I jump to a particular subject and the mental debate follows to find an optimal solution. 

The problems never end, the attempts against the problem have a least probability of success and the courage to take another step makes itself feeble. I have good people around me with whom I share wonderful relations. They may help me in several situations and they will always be beside me. There are several ups and downs in my mind several times about a situation, about my condition. When will the time come when I will be independent and an ideal for somebody? How will I bring it upon me? Will I be lucky enough to stand apart from the crowd??

The prayers, the requests from god, is he hearing me? Do I need to pray some more? Shall I turn into a atheist? There is no answer. We humans are automated to try till we die. Just a kaash remains in our lives. And literally I am fed up with this word. This thought comes up very often in my mind and I hate to face it. 

Once again hope for the best..

The Tranquilizer to my Life!!

Well I am writing a blog and in my mind right now have her picture. She, I have a million things in my mind about her but I just couldn't find the right words to describe it. Also to mention, I have a weak vocabulary. :p
So I will start with whatever comes in my mind. Please forgive me if I hurt you by means of this blog.


I never have given much importance to people in my life. I have tried, tried to make people happy by doing all those things that was under my will. Still I have felt the sense of discontent from the people I never wanted to part with. Maybe because I couldn't keep them happy enough or maybe because they took my incapability as my selfishness. Maybe this is the reason for my present state of a so called maniac. There are so many maybe's which we want to solve but half of us don't find the courage and other half don't find the successful path that leads to the feel of satisfaction. My reason for so many maybe's are that I never find the courage (or take it as my ego) to approach the people and question them that where did I go wrong? Maybe I don't want to hear about my drawbacks. Again a maybe!!


We are never aware of what is to come next in life. Tomorrow is a surprise for all. That surprise may be good or bad to all possible extents. One surprise was for me as well in form of her. She changed my life. My life seemed much brighter and much happier with her. What was she? An angel, just a kind-hearted girl or.. I am out of words. She is so happy all the time that people around her can't resist to be happy with her. But for me she was the reason for my joy. After her appearance in my life I could feel it to be more stable than before. It was like the 'Brownian motion' of life have changed to a 'straight line' path, constant and directed.


I have promised her a lot of things. Lot of things for tomorrow. And she also definitely would have lots of expectations from me. Will I be able to fulfill it? Will she understand that I am trying to keep my promises? Will she lose all hopes for me? A weird, cold, angry and painful thought spins in my mind and makes me dizzy and weaken my high spirit. 
But then I realize that its the only thing she and I have got, HIGH SPIRIT. High spirit that everything will be fine as time passes and like the movies we too will have a happy ending.


I just demand one thing from god that it keeps her in a happy state like she has always wanted to be. Some people deserve to be happy, not because you care for them but because they think of others before they think of themselves.

 "She's always there for me when I need her,

 she's my best friend, she's my everything"

The Past 365 days!!

2k14! It was definitely like all the years with ups and downs and constants too. :p
I have very few 'new things list' to describe every passing year. I just alter and arrange whatever I have with me. Because changes haven't been an 'integral' part of me for a long time. Also my loved ones know what they are for me and I am happy to have them all no offense.


So the previous year started smoothly with a change in my attitude towards my loved ones. My short temper and my unstable mood hurt a lot a people. Unknowingly I was pushing away my loved ones from me. Though I realized I was too late which lead to worst conversations and lots of tears.
Some so the special moments included my brother's marriage, my best friend's happiness and finally the return which I mentioned in my previous post (A Gift it is?).
Some worst moments included my indulgence into some bad activities which definitely depended on the situation I was in. I won't regret it but also I am not proud of it.


Now I have a new thinking about life. I don't want to be impatient and lose peoples close to me, already they are scarce. "Live and let live".
I hope I am able to keep my so called resolution this year and the following years. 
Be with the best Friends and Happy New Year to all. Will be leaving you all with Brad Paisley's quotes on reference to 31st December 2k14,

"Tomorrow, is the first blank page of the 365 page book, write a good one"