Today my best buddy told me something that shook me completely (literally I had goosebumps). When I jokingly told him, "ladkiyaan to marti hain mujhpe" he replied in a straight way, "ladkiyaan marti hain tujhpe!!! Mere saath ladkiyaan jeeti hain". Well maybe he was joking or maybe he found it the best phrase to shut me up but for a moment it shook me and all the past memories flooded my mind. It was then when I realized that I have an apology to make to someone.
Finally I find that the reason was 'freedom'. I was not able to deliver this thing though it was not done knowingly. I never thought of a relationship that will have a end one day and we will be in our separate paths. I always wanted a eternal love and gave everything for it bit by bit. It was 'life' for me. And I didn't want to stay away from my 'life' even for a moment. I used each and every method of communication to reach her voice and know about her current state of living, her mood, her thoughts. Nothing I left because knowing that she is all right gave a satisfaction to my heart. That satisfaction made me live my day. I can never stop thinking of her no matter what I maybe doing because I cared as silly, very silly girl she was and I at no cost could lose her. To lose her was to lose myself. She used to melt my short tempers with her smile. Her touch made me feel complete. I had someone with whom this world seemed to be much more beautiful and nobody in the world will like that thing to get hurt or lost. And so I was this way. I was insecure not because I didn't trust her but because I didn't trust everybody around her.
My insecurity had reasons but I couldn't explain it to her and when a good thought is taken in a wrong way it always worsens the condition. Tell me to trust her blindly, I will. But a person who gets easily carried away are used by peoples and then they are hurt by the same. She was this type. How can I let anyone do this to her? So I never left her alone the whole time so she could be saved, moreover that she felt more secure as I was around.
But care was taken as "possessiveness", love was taken as "over reaction" and the situation got ruined every time. I couldn't provide enough 'space'. Slowly over time it strangled her, her mind, her soul until she could take no more. Finally she gave up on me. I was unlucky to hear those magical words from her even in a duration of over one and a half years. Every time I pleaded I was given a reason. What love it was that could be felt but not expressed in words? I never found a reason even after such closeness.
Loving someone too much can also be harmful. But how could someone know that its too much? He/she can just shower their love, how can they measure it so it doesn't overflow? Everyone have their own way of loving people, they have a situation. Mine was a different way and I had to pay heavily for it even when I could explain myself.
Even now I wait. I wait for the day that I will be understood and called back because its very lonely in here. When you don't have the 'sugar' (love) the 'coffee' (life) will definitely taste bitter. The bitterness makes me do things I never expected to do, unexplained reasons. Every moment demands her. I lose to my heart and I plead. I apologize every time expecting something I don't deserve so I can get another chance to correct myself. But nothing will bring her back. My love was so extreme that it almost killed her. I hope it never happens to anyone.
Finally with a broken heart, few tears and the darkness around I leave with with the following quote by Lao-Tsu,
"Being loved by someone give you strength
while loving someone deeply gives you courage"
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